SEXUAL ABUSE AND THE SADOMASICHISM LINK
By Synthia Esther
July 28, 2009
Kathy, age 31, is a victim and survivor of childhood incest and abuse. Her parents divorced, with her father receiving sole custody of Kathy, because her mother was a drug addict, deemed unfit to help raise their only child. For years Kathy received mixed messages of good and bad, pain and pleasure, reinforced by her father's sexual abuse, advances, and arousal statements. Painful memories echo within Kathy's mind and body, "Are you Daddy's little nasty girl?" "You are such a little tease." "You want Daddy to spank you for making his peepee get hard?"
KATHY'S LIFE STORY IS NOT UNCOMMON...
Kathy raises her hands to her head as her fingers, adorned with chipped black nail polish, part her hair in a sweeping motion away from her face. She lowers her head in sorrow as tears begin to flow down her checks, conveying feelings she has bottled up for years. Kathy confides in anguish, "And so the spanking began, followed by painful sexual intercourse. My father's voice haunts my memories, his desire fuels my soul with shame. I was an innocent little girl. I wanted my father to love me, not have sex with me. The only emotional response I got from him was lust, not love! Never love."
Such projections of guilt were coupled with Kathy's natural pleasure sensations of sexual arousal and orgasm. Kathy explains, "My father liked to make me have orgasms. He thought he was the greatest lover. He bought me gifts and showered me with special attention, all to satisfy his sick, sexually deviant, perverted and distorted fantasies! In turn, I have grown up feeling intense guilt for enjoying sexual pleasure, his gifts, and the secret love affair he had with me, 'his little nasty girl.' Because of my past I feel bad. Guilty of a crime I should not be paying for...but I am, each and every day. I am depressed, with emotional, mental, and physical scars due to past sexual abuse. I am insecure, emotionally void, and sexually promiscuous. Sometimes I just want to die, the pain is so unbearable. I use to cut myself, trying to release the pain. The D/s lifestyle suited my survivor mentality. I wanted to become dominant, so no one could ever hurt or control me again!'"
SEXUAL ABUSE AND THE SADOMASICHISM LINK
It is these types of sexually induced, embedded mixed messages within many abuse victims minds that act as a spring-board towards a life filled with sexually acting out. Wendy Maltz, M.S.W., "The Sexual Healing Journey - A Guide for Survivors of Sexual abuse," HarperPerennial (a division of Haper Collins Publishers), Pg. 114, explains, "Many survivors act out sexually after abuse. They may develop new, unusual sexual behavior such as compulsive masturbation, sadomasochism, or frantic sexual activity. This makes them feel worse and may fuel more extreme behavior yet. Survivors may go through periods of being sexually self-destructive. They may socialize with people they know could abuse them, participate in unsafe sexual practices, prostitute themselves, or use alcohol and other drugs that impair their judgment. Some survivors may even sexually abuse others or engage in deceptive sexual practices such as having secretive affairs."
Maltz goes onto explain survivors feel so bad after acting out sexually they believe their actions "prove" they were bad to start with, deserving the original abuse. Sexually acting out often provides a means to replay the abuse, in an attempt to erase the pain. The intense emotional scars left by sexual offenders is recognized by Dr. Patrick Carnes, Ph.D, a pioneer in the sexual addiction field. In his ground breaking book, "Don't Call It Love - Recovery From Sexual Addiction," Bantam Books, Pg. 127, Dr. Carnes explains the fusion of sex with associated feelings, "If early arousal patterns are connected to fear, loneliness, vulnerability, or neediness, victims as adults will always connect those feelings with sex. Many victims have trouble separating fear from the erotic,..."
Dr. Carnes goes on to expound, "Victims of sexual and/or physical abuse sometimes deliberately cut or burn themselves. These episodes are sometimes acts of self-hatred, other times reenactments of early trauma." For some victims pain has a vast erotic appeal, to the point where sexual pleasure can be escalated only by more severe pain, piercing, or flailing. Receiving physical harm or pain during sexual activity to intensify your sexual pleasure, and/or the desire to receive humiliating or degrading activities as part of sex, all serve as a form of emotional and spiritual repression. Such maladaptive sexual responses do not serve to increase your emotional self-worth, or your spiritual health. Which is the tripartite nature of humanity, "mind, body, and soul." The greatest command by God is that we love Him above all else, and the second is that we love our neighbor as our self. This spiritual love extends to all.
EMOTIONAL AND MENTAL HEALING
God offers love, not fear. There is no fear in His love, because His perfect love casts out fear." - 1 John 4:18 While no human being is totally perfect in love, deed, and action, God is. To fear man is a dangerous trap, filled with sorrow. "But trust in God means safety." - Proverbs 29:25 Perhaps all your life you have been confronted and bombarded with fear, facing persistent attacks upon your heart, mind, and soul. Today is a new day in Christ Jesus our Lord. Each day in Christ is filled with hope and a future - Jeremiah 29:11. "Thou wilt show me that path of life: in thy presence is fullness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore." - Psalms 16:11. God cares about your heartache, pain, and sorrow. His word declares, "They that sow in tears, reap in joy!" - Psalms 126:5 In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths - Proverbs 3:6. What Satan meant for harm towards you, God will turn around for your good - Genesis 50:20. All because He loves you. - John 3:16
SEX GOD'S WAY - A HIGHER PURPOSE AND PLAN
In their book, "Intended for Pleasure - Sex Technique and Sexual Fulfillment in Christian Marriage," Fleming H. Revell, Pg. 22, Ed Wheat, M.D., and Gaye Wheat write, "Let us realize how the bodies of men and women are designed. Even in the sex act itself we are reminded that this is a relationship of persons, not just bodies, for it is no coincidence that man is the only creature of God's creation who relates sexually face-to-face." The sexual union between a man and a woman is a divine act created by God, within the bonds of holy matrimony. Sexual intimacy serves a higher purpose and plan filled with spiritual dimensions. Only when submitting to Christ can anyone live a true life-style of complete and total submission (Ephesians 5:21; 1st Corinthians 11:3). For such is HIS kingdom, for such we were created, to worship and have fellowship with HIM. We are to bow our knees in idol worship to no other. The only thing that counts in our lifetime, is faith in God, expressing itself through love. - Galatians 5:6 To know God, is to love Him.
FREEDOM IN CHRIST
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." - Galatians 5:1
SLAVES FOR GOD
"...Just as you used to offer the parts of your body in slavery to impurity and to ever-increasing wickedness, so now offer them in slavery to righteousness leading to holiness. When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 6:19-23
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